leela_nightheart's Xanga

The Next Chapter

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 00:50:07 GMT

Student Teaching has arrived. Finally after 5 years of college I am taking that last step toward my degree and certification. I am looking forward to it, but at the same time afraid of the immensity of it. It is a daunting task that I have ahead of me now, and possibly for many years to come. I will be teaching the children of this country how to read and writing, how to think critically, and how to communicate to those around them. The foundations of what our country has become is how our education system works. It is a rock that we stand on, albeit a slippery one. Things aren't working in this country and our system of education is ready for change, but people are so afraid of it, that nothing is done. I hope I have the strength to do what needs to be done to help that change along.

I don't hope to be the world's greatest teacher. I just hope that I can make a lasting impact on the lives of the children I teach and that they in turn can do the same for our society as a whole. I know people think I'm to idealistic sometimes, but how do you think change starts. Without people putting ideas forth, there wouldn't be anything for people who make things happen to do.

Before I start ranting some more, I'll leave it for here for now. Hopefully I'll be better at this writing on a regular basis thing, because so much happens in a year. No guarantees because so much does happen... ;)

Complicated

Sun, 03 May 2009 06:44:30 GMT

So. I haven't written in a while, but I just completed a 5th year of college. I've got one more semester to go. Student teaching sounds so scary sometimes. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm not sure I know how I'm going to do anything. I have so much to do in the next two weeks.

I need to get a place to live, a job to pay for that place to live, as well as other important things to living like food. I also need to take my driver's test now that I'm comfortable-ish with. I should really look into life insurance so that, God forbid anything happen to me, my parents will have something to help them with my students loans. That's another thing, I'm unsure of how i'm going to deal with that fiasco when that starts coming due. *sighs*

Life is so complicated. Why has human society deemed it necessary to make life so freakin' complicated. Things could be so much simpler... but nope, no one can ever do anything the easy way. *Grrr*

The Battousai Has Arrived

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 05:13:42 GMT

If I were to actually be my amtgard character my eyes would have turned silver and remained that way for most of the day. First off my carpal tunnel was aggrevated this morning and then at 4pm I get a phone call from my mom that my cousin Wesley died of an annurysm (sp). I mean I'm glad he's no longer in any pain which makes me happy for him but at the same time it came out of no where. It hit me like a ton of bricks. He was still young; only 34ish. So I was trying to collect myself to do my homework that I need to still finish when a friend of mine started having problems with her boyfriend and was freaking out because he's become stalkerish. I had to try to reassure her that she'll be fine.

Then House happened. I was already in a bad mood, finally starting to unstress from senior seminar. Krystal called me a bitch and then we apologized and made up so we're good. Then I went back to house because we were trying to organize housing. Found out that even though Colleen has decided she can't afford Ripon she still hasn't withdrawn from campus which fucked over a lot of people in housing. I'm not upset with Matt at all. He has every right to take a double single. I'm not even that upset with Colleen for not withdrawing in case she wasn't going to come back, but she should have warned people that it was possible she might not be leaving. No, what I AM upset with her and Cyndi for is that they were laughing about the situation when some of us are getting royally screwed over.

What this boiled down to is that my carpal tunnel is acting up at the worst possible second, i've still got homework to do, my eldest cousin just passed away suddenly, a friend is worried about here boyfriend being a creepy stalker, and I screwed out of my double single because someone was not responsible enough to go make the decision when it needed to be made so that others would know what's going on and not get blindsided by everything going on. All I can say is thank the Great Being and Creator, be it a he or she, be it God, Mother Goddess, or some other name, for Ed.

Low down on new shit in my life.

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 04:58:47 GMT

Alright here goes.
I'm a senior in college. Fuck Yea!... oh wait that means I have crap loads of work that lead up to an enormously mind boggling project for my major. Dammit....
this last summer was interesting, dated kelsey for a while, that didn't pan out, like all others I'd had before... surprise surprise.
Though... there is hope, I'm now dating Ed. That only started only a few days ago so I don't really have all that much to say yet. He and I have a lot in common though. Particularly our love of Gaming. Though he's also and English major and Education minor, with theater minor as well. I've only been a few theater classes and the costume shop, but it was enough to make me kind of regret not starting a theater minor sooner. *shrugs* I could always go back at some point... maybe.
I'm an aunt now. My 19 year old sister had a little girl two months ago. She looks like a cabbage patch doll to me, but she's a cutie.
Um... not sure what else to talk about at the moment. My thoughts are kind disjointed because of working on my sem project all day and then all the stressful shit going on with a friend of mine. I hope she's alright.
I'll have to type more after the sem paper is done.... maybe.
yeah....

headaches

Tue, 15 May 2007 15:23:36 GMT

So looking around Oshkosh, there is not only like nothing to do but sit around home watching TV, playing video games, and what not. Or the occassionally outing to the movie theatre, there are apparently no jobs that people are willing to hire me for. *sighs* I'm getting headaches everyday and I'm not exactly sure what from; stress I guess.

I'm stressed out about not having enough money. Which is a common concern among most adults. And considering where I live I have more growing concerns. Obviously the raisng gas prices aren't helping anyone's mood of late and now the governor wants to raise our taxes even more. Raising the tax on heath care, on hunting and fishing licenses, on alcohol and cigarettes (which I don't mind the latter of the two since i don't smoke and think its a filthy habit) Oh and get this he wants to raise the taxes on College Applications, didn't even know such a thing existed, but since they tax everything in our lives from cradle to grave why should it surprise me.

Seriously, what good are these raises in taxes going to do the State? The deficiet is only going to get bigger, and the need to raise them again will soon rear its ugly head again. its a vicious cycle. You know why I think this is? We are allowing politicians to run the state, who are supposed to have their heads on their shoulders and know what they are doing. but really, how many of them do you think have Business degrees? How are they supposed to run an entire state or the country for that matter if they would run a small business into the ground? *sighs*

I'm stressed out because I'm not sure anymore if i'm on the right career path for me. I'm not entirely sure I want to be a teacher, yet what I want to do takes an awful lot of talent and a great deal of luck to pull off. If i was as great a writer as J.K. Rowling I would have started publishing my books and that would be the end of it. I wouldn't have to work, I'd invest the money and live off the interest and eventually set my parents up so that dad could retire and my younger sisters would be able to go to college for whatever they want. But, that's all just nice dreaming. Don't think it would ever happen for me. Like I said you've gotta have a lot of talent and a great deal of luck.

For now i'm staying on this career path, yet I have to fork out extra money for a test i have to retake before I can take my area certifaction test which will cost even more money. No wonder I've got headaches like everyday.

Though is it so wrong to want to enjoy life while I can? I won't be young forever. Carpe Diem comes to mind at the moment. Yet in my life its hard to seize the day the way I want to. For me it means get on the ball, get a job, make as much money as you can. That's just want it means because of the way society wants it mean for me. Really Seize the day should be get out and have fun with life because you only get one. Take hold of the moments that come by and embrace them for what they are. Now getting stuck in a dead end job, even just for the summer, doesn't sound like Seizing the Day to me.

I don't know, maybe i'm just selfish to think that life should be easy. Well you know? it should be, we as a society are making it harder on ourselves and on each other. We fight and bicker with little provocation. Marriages break up almost as quickly as they start. The richer are getting richer and the poorer are getting poorer, that gap has always been there, but i can almost feel it and its getting bigger. And there are so many more wrong things in the world than there are right. It makes me want to punch something, it makes me want to scream, and run, and cry out in frustration and anger, at the top of my lungs, WHY?!

And i know it will make no difference if I do. I'd be listed as crazy and shipped off to some mental institute. because there's something wrong with me. Because something must be wrong with me to act like that. Yeah what's wrong is that I'm sick and tired of all the bullshit we put each other through. of all the lies, the cheating, the anger, the jealousy, the selfishness. I'm just fucking tired.

I'm surprised more people don't have headaches everyday.

"The Everyday Demon"

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 17:03:03 GMT

Another poem i wrote, though I don't have a date for it, I know I wrote it at some point during 2005.

Its the beast beneath the skin
laying dormant deep within.
Its the ghoul that lies in wait
building strength to smash the gate.
Its the monster in your mind
using everything it can find.
Its an evil within us all,
just aiming to make us fall.
Its the ogre that causes us pain
though we know it can be slain.
Anger is this everyday demon we must face
and there are no prizes for second place.

"Silenced by War"

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 05:08:39 GMT

Keith convinced me to share some of my poetry. I don't think it will ever make me money and they were written because I needed to get my complex feelings out in the most complex way I could to get my point across.

Silenced by War has got to be one of my favorite poems. Its not in any set meter, nor rhyme scheme, it just is... if you don't like it that's fine but don't flame me for a poem that I wrote for me and not for the benefit of anyone else. I also warn you that its by far the most depressing i've ever written and the longest.

"Silenced by War"
I walk out onto the quiet battlefield
where only days ago machine guns blared.
Not a bird in the sky nor squirrel in the tree.
The nests abandoned.
I used to hear the sweet call of the little blue bird
and the chattering of the squirrel.
Now there is only silence to accompan this forlorn place.
This is the aftemath of war and hatred;
In their wake are scenes such as these.

Nearby flows a babbling brook tha still runs
red with blood.
But it seems that I have gone deaf
for i do not hear the gentle language it speaks.
The weeping willow, just ten yards away
used to sooth me while it whispered in the wind.
Now the wise old tree is as silent as the brook
and I year to hear its sweet advice.
More illustrations of the silence caused by war
and the great difference it makes.

This was "no man's land" in the great war
where thousands died between the trenches.
The trenches are now rat infested, rodents teaming
over the bodies of the forgotten deceased.
So many killed, most by machine guns and mortor.
But for what?
Money, Power, and Control?
Useless material pursuits.
Now there is only the grieving for the lost loved ones.

The sun does not shine anymore since the great conflict.
Its soft warm glow soothed me once, long ago
on cool autumn days.
The flowers that once praised the sun
showing their elegant petals to the great yellow orb,
Now bow their heads and their petals fall
like tears that roll down a soft cheek.
The landscape is grey and barren.

As I walk through this gloomy meadow
where i used to be happy,
I notice how everything here is quiet
and I wish it wasn't so.
This land was a beautiful place where i could come to relax.
But now, as I wonder along the brook,
and then sit by the old willow, my old companions
I realize that this place has forever been
silenced by war and I weep.

This poem was first written on January 16th, 2002 after seeing images of WWII. And i've changed a few things to make it more coherent here, but its much the same the message has not changed at all.

Feminist Rant

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 04:49:12 GMT

Alright I get really really upset when anyone seems to imply that women are inferior to men. That we have a rightful place in the home without it being our decision. And the worse is when they make women into sex objects. Well when my boyfriend got back to his apartment today this guy was there, a buddy of his roommate's, who asked "where have you been? At the bitch's place?" Keith punched the guy in the face for the remark. While I know that I shouldn't feel gratified with another's pain, the man fully deserved it. He was being a total asshole. Nothing should ever make anyone feel like they can degrade women like that. I just hope that the guy learned his lesson. Next time I see him I'm going to try not to be cold toward him because I promised Keith that i wouldn't make a big deal about it. So I'm ranting on here and in my written personal journal so that I work it out of my system before seeing him again.

I do believe that women need to be treated with much more respect than that. "Women don't like being called Bitches" as my good friend Nate would say, its a spin off of "Bitches don't like being called Bitches" And damn it its true... When Keith told me I was furious that someone would feel the need to be that derogatory.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 05:12:17 GMT

I just want to start off... I miss Keith. I told him to go have fun with his friends and have a guys night out. Doesn't mean it makes me miss him any less but at least it lets both of us know that I have the capability to not be selfish with his time. I'm sure I'll see him in the next few days so its not the end of the world.

Well tonight was a very very painful house meeting. We had our elections so that took up a lot of time, which while understandable because we want good people in each position in the house WE DON'T NEED TO REPEAT A POINT 20 TIMES BEFORE FINALLY VOTING ON AN ISSUE!!!!!! Sorry I just get really upset that people don't seem to ever listen to each other and then they prove it by simply restating what someone had previously said. *sighs*

I'm mostly just typing this to vent because i'm PMSing really bad and I don't really want to vent to others right now because frankly I think I would scare them. (Though hugs are nice...) Anyway, it didn't help that going into that house meeting I was already really on edge, in the mood of "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING RATS ASS!", and almost ready to deck the next person to annoy me. Kali called a rehearsal for her recital piece tonight after orchestra got out. I was upset about this for two reasons. 1) It was a very sudden thing and she just expected us all to be there no ifs ands or buts about it. This after sending an email about availability times for Monday and Tuesday of next week. 2) This was the first time we were not only getting out of orchestra on time all semester, but early, then she expects us to stay. *Grrrrr*

Well... everything turned out okish in the end. So I guess I should stop ranting about it. Goodnight all.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 05:16:56 GMT

Well on March 16th, Keith and I stayed up til 5 in the morning just talking about all sorts of random shit at his apartament. During the course of the discussion we decided to start dating and I could not be happier. Any time he's around I'm more relaxed. I'm free to be me. And he is the most generous, sweethearted boyfriend I could ever ask for. He opens doors for me, he always offers to pay, and is always willing to listen to what I want to do. (which is the most important) It all shows that he respects me and wants to do things for me. Its a quality that I treasure in men. Though I'm sure the opening the doors all the time will get a little tidious after a while, but at least he acts like a gentleman; and he'd better let me treat him to dinner and/or movies or whatever sometimes. I am a modern, headstrong woman afterall.

So this weekend is activation and formal. Tomorrow night I will be hanging out with my Tau family and helping to make our pledges actives of our fraternity; which is exciting to me because I have a little. She's such a sweetheart. Anyway, then the next night we go to our formal. We get all gussied up like it was prom, have dinner catored for us, socialize, and dance. All in all just have a fun time with members, alumni, and friends of Tau.

Well I've got to get to bed soon and still have an email to send out. Night all.